LiSSerMArieX!

ive welcomed the mornings with a restless heart whilst the days seem longer and the nights are endless

Read More

either you’re the exception or the rule

either you’re the girl who makes his heart stop, makes him want to call you every 5 seconds, the girl who would…

or you’re just an ‘every other girl’

im trying to be happy,

but

my heart won’t let me…sorry

“Tears are often the telescope by which men see far into heaven.”

Henry Ward Beecher

aux champs elysees…

i never took french during high school, yet hearing the song reminds me of it. of every aspect of its simplicity. how life was just plain ‘ol easy. doing homework in homeroom, while eating your breakfast(hiding beneath the desk so the teachers wouldn’t see), hoping the teachers wouldn’t notice you weren’t in ‘perfect’ uniform because your socks weren’t the right color, being called to the office to discuss your financial obligation aka tuition when it reality it had nothing to do with you, going down to sister margaret’s office to ay on the cot and skip a class, faking cramps so you could go home early, how gym time=movie time, singing happy birthday during lunch, going to your locker in between classes, going to the 3rd floor bathroom because it had mirrors….. memories lost now deep in mind yet somehow not forgotten.

this is strange.

life before highschool. life during holyname, flew by…seems like centuries ago. ‘go to the blue charis!’,’put your fingers in(on) your mouth’, standing on the wall during the quiet part of lunchtime, having the teachers decide if you could go to the candy machine or not, actually being in uniform, going to blimpie’s for a sandwhich when we had trips, mr. montgomery, hell stories as an undergrad of ms. walters, $20 meant you were rich, attending every birthday party, getting lunch from outside with ms. garcia, finding out the twin towers fell in 6th grade and remember feeling like it had nothing to do with me(not understanding it was a terrorist attack), ms. parkers laugh, LITTLE BOY! TAKE OFF THEM ROSE COLORED GLASSES!, practicing for the culture day show, being in the chorus for the school plays if you didnt make it in the actual play, how red brother james’ face used to get when he got mad, crying during graduation mass and not crying at actual graduation……

and how about now?

shit is REAL. it is everything and more of what ms. parker had warned. life is hard. filled with very brief lights of happiness and enjoyment because in all reality it wasn’t going to last for long until life smacks you upside your head, reminding you that this is not your life. your life is not meant to be fun and carefree for the struggling. you are not a huge movie celebrity success. getting there, if you worked hard enough is half the battle. you’d probably die trying before you reach your halfway point.

so, i sit here wondering then..where do I go from here?

do i persevere and try to become someone uncomfortable to my being or do i accept that some people are not made for the glory and i would have to just wave my white flag and enjoy the moments of laughter when i could while continuing to live, laugh and love?

we will see where tomorrow leaves me. see answer below….

___________________?

i’ve grown so attached to the garden state. i’ve had one of the most memorable years here. so many things have happened and just have had great time…now due to all these bullshit problems, its back to the empire state. in a way im kind of happy, but more along the lines of i miss what i left behind. what i gained here i want to hold on to, but im afraid it will disappear under the bright city lights. again its raining here in teaneck.

even though ive lived in the empire all my life, this transisiton to the garden made me feel so independent and lively. im worried that the concrete jungle wont make my dreams come true. why is it that the things in life we cannot control are the major things that hold us back from doing are best? instead they make us, well me, feel defeated and having to retreat. i’ve lost my ammo and some good men(*) out there in this battle. and because of it i must retreat to get my feet together again and get my head collected. and then go back out into the world………….? i dont know if i can handle that, again.

but im going to have to

i dont want to become a statistic or just another teen in this college trying to make something of themselves.

trying suggests the option of failure, and failure is not an option.

im trying to keep that in mind.

i had such high hopes for myself and my future here. and now those hopes and dreams are slowly fading as the rain progresses to pour and wash away…everything. i need time to recooperate and just come to terms with the fact that there is nothing i can do to flip the cards i’ve been dealt. i have to learn how to come up with a new game plan and beat the dealer. im going to lose a lot, but i hope by losing all that i wil gain so much more and progress, still never forgetting what i have lost for it. i hope this new transistion will allow me to build myself anew.

its rainging outside of teaneck..its ugly out

im here in my room, alone..

feeling pretty down, i dont know if its because of the rain, or maybe the fact that the rain is contributing to how im feeling. no one is around and i dont want to be around anyone, but the on the contrary i feel so alone right now. i feel like nothing in life is going right at the moment.

my room is dark..the lights are out and i have no intentions of getting up. the only light i see is from the computer and from the street light outside my window. the rain drops are lightly floating down the widow pane…all i need now is for some ‘moonlight sonata’ to be playing and it be the perfect scene for a pathetic movie…

i often read and go through the missed connections section on craigslist. some of them are so sad. reading them makes me think like damn…

Read More

i think i’ve BARF’D like 5 times today…30 times this week. UGH!

not an actual BARF but like a BARF like ugh that makes me sick that if i was able to BARF at the moment i would LMAO..idk if it doesn’t make sense because i know what i’m talking about. anywho, so yea BARF w/ me world!